***Update at the bottom***
I have been crying on and off, frustrated so much by that fact I am only human and CAN'T Physically, Emotionally or Mentally do ALL that I feel is required of me Daily.
As I sit here typing this out can barely see, my baby is kicking my tummy and reminding me of just how difficult hormones can make our lives when pregnant. It beyond TOUGH to battle daily when you want nothing more than to feel "Normal" and yet you can't.
I have tried to reach out to a few people for help and support, and yet it just doesn't seem enough, I just want to SLEEP until i have my baby so the mess of emotions can go away. Yet in all honesty I don't want that at all, I want to Keep running at the pace and life I have created for myself.
I want to Exercise and burn off stress and release endorphins, I want to eat HEALTHY, cause let's be real I just FEEL Good when I do and my body functions better. I want to remember and make time to Read and study the Gospel of Jesus Christ daily. I want to keep the house hold running efficiently. I want to support others in their desire to get healthy, I want to help bring in an income for our family and relieve some of the burden my husband feels.
BUT then these HORRIBLE emotions come our of Left field and Drag me down, cause me to beat myself up mentally and leave me complete Exhausted and useless for hours.
And that's just the half of it, my kids need to go to their therapy and counseling, and appointments and voice lessons, and church activities, and social events, etc... They want and deserve to be kids, even though I don't want to Leave the house and it takes so much energy just to get myself to do so many days.
Then there's the horrible financial stress of not being able to maintain or continue to build at the rate I was with my Coaching business or the VIPKids (English Teaching) jobs that I was working so diligently. So bills and debt is piling up and we haven't even had the baby yet, which will add a whole other level of $$$ going out to cover those costs.
YES, I believe I have reached that point that is called the Last Straw, that one that burdens you so much that you simply Can NOT keep going, it makes you collapse (physically, emotionally or mentally, it's all awful) And as much as I HATE that I have reached this point and certainly had NO intention of allowing any one to know.
I also know that when others have shared this about their life with me, I have been able to serve, listen, and help them. PLUS I have learned from their experiences, their trials and how they pulled through.
So still unsure of why I felt compelled to lay it all out like this, but Maybe just maybe someone needs to know, Even if we look like a "Super Hero" on the outside, NO one is, and without Angels to strengthen us both Spiritually and Physically We Simply Can NOT do it Alone. God didn't intend us too and I guess I am finally able to admit through a flood of tears I too can not do it alone, or even with a small circle of support.
I need your prayers to join with mine to HELP me get through these next 3 months until my hormones can begin leveling out and I can be Stronger than I am now.
And I beg you if you have unkind thoughts or feelings about this post or why I am sharing too much, or a psycho mess and it's ridiculous that I can't keep it all together, Please just move on, I honestly CAN NOT handle Hurtful comments at this time. Even if you think your trying to help, if you wouldn't want some one to say it to you, don't say it to me.
To those of you who have been in similar situations as this and have shared your experiences, THANK YOU!!! It's gotten me this far, I have been battling this for several months and feel like I have kept things together pretty well. In fact I bet the majority of you will be shocked that I am at this point because I keep things under wraps, even most of my family has no idea.
I am NOT going to read back through this so if there are mess ups or typos, just know that half the time I could hardly see from tears and the second half my fingers can't keep up with my brain. However if I reread through this I will most likely NOT share and delete it and then It won't help anything.
God Is Good and Does have a purpose for me to go through this particular trial, I'm just blinded currently as to why and doing my best to figure it out, until then. Thank you to one of you who has listened to me, served me, or cried with me. Means a lot.
-Sherin
Facebook Update
Sherin,
ReplyDeleteI have been here more times than i can count, in fact the main reason I finally end up in the hospital or on bed rest with all my pregnancies at the end or even half way through... is due to feeling exactly as you said and all of the unsaid things that you probably feel too and don't want anyone judging you for or locking you in a psych ward for.
I have experienced these feelings even when not pregnant... not because I don't eat right, don't excersize, or work myself into the grave... but because I do and yet no-one can see that, so I am judged... so I work even harder, and am still judged. Then voices of our past and critiques and "your not good enough" and "only a lazy moron would do bla bla bla" or you are weak, fat, skating out of work and a million other things. This force, fear, fire of PTSD drives me and sometimes drives me to VERY dark places, and sometimes I am to a place like this, where if I don't call somebody and confide, call my counselor, my doctor, etc. I would not have still been around to read this or respond to you.
Though we have many differences, we still come from the same dust, genetics, family, past, shame, towns, guilt tripping, "never rest" background and there are a lot of things I'd be happy to explain that may help you immensely. ie... thyroid (especially during pregnancy), cortisol levels, allowing people to help and ways to ask for it, no hint dropping. It is too much to write here and if I lived closer. I would just drive over and help... but whoever is reading this, if you live close to my sister, please just go help. Pray and ask and God will tell you how. I will do my best from here, but I'm just on my way out of the same situation myself, so I'm doing my best. Hope this helps a little and makes sense. I love you!
Just to preface my comment....I’ve had 3 nervous breakdowns back when my kids were kids. The nervous system can break down just like the cardio vascular system can. Don’t feel guilty for letting your body heal. Just watch television or a movie eat all you want of the healthy stuff and wait until baby comes. You have to take a break. Call your relief society President and let her know.
ReplyDeleteThanks Aunt Crystal. love you
DeleteSherin, amazing often cannot see herself in the mirror. I dont quote well but I believe either a Prophet or someone pretty far up there once told us even when we feel alone we are not. Of course you have some bad days. Purge this bad day and own it, just as you have done. Let us love you. Go ahead and eat healthy but maybe it's also okay to have a small bit something yummy and cheating. I cannot be there to offer you a foot massage but I bet a foot soak would feel AMAZING! You are a daughter of the Heavenly Father and a true blessing.
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